Two Halves Make Too Many Holes

“Wake up!”

said Alberto and went to the kitchen to make coffee. I realized his voice had never sounded this dangerous before, and yet I wasn’t afraid or anything because that night I had dreamt of oral exams in history and of Hitler being my examinator and he was rather charming.

As Alberto had always been in love with my beautiful sarcastic bra-less unkempt yet irresistibly elegant half-Jewish soul, I knew he would be delighted to hear my dream and even make me a second cup of coffee before finally going off to work where he would be, as always, late. But boy was I wrong! Next thing I remember is a young black-haired blue-eyed and freckled girl aged about 18 coming in at the very moment as I was putting on my…

Now wait a minute. This is a crucial moment in my report. This is the moment I decide which sex I want to be. As a matter of fact I was going to say “at the very moment as I was putting on my lipstick”, and it was a hell of a paradise of a feeling lying in bed, naked, after a night of the most exciting sex with the most exciting man to ever come out half of Napoli half of Dublin or Dunkirk (now that I think of it…well anyway) and then Hitler examining me both orally and historically, lying as I said in bed and putting on my lipstick in the half-bored half-sensual manner I had been taught in the kindergarten years ago – now you don’t expect me to tell you just how many years, do you, do you? But as I saw the aforementioned girl come in – and come in she did! –

As coffee’s waiting, it’s up to you to make up the rest.